Thursday, December 26, 2013

Why Worry

Merry Christmas, loves! May the joy be within you and you family and I hope you have a blessed Christmas. I thank Lord this year I still able to celebrate Christmas with my family and my new dog, Google or Blanco (it has two names). I hope that after Christmas I still can have this happy and thankful feeling. I'm a bit doubt that troubles may come and take all the bliss. But I'm thinking hey that's the point of being a Christian right? Troubles, problems, doubtfulness, and the list goes on with synonyms are meant to be. Those make us stronger and wiser. Jesus, Himself, said "don't you worry". So, my soul, you better relax and live your life to the fullest then let God do the rest.

"Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, He was watching. Even when He seemed indifferent to my suffering, He was watching and when I was beyond all hope of saving... He gave me rest and gave me a sign to continue my journey..."
Life of Pi

How about some instrument from Kenny G? Happy Christmas!

Monday, December 23, 2013


Christmas is here, bringing joy for young and old. How have you been, love? Thank God for giving me recovery everyday. So December should be a happy and joyful month for me but not this year. Some things have happened to my life. A big change & truth that brought us to the pretenses. I think I like it. I knew all the truths, it didn't sound so different from what I thought. It just that we've came to the truth, conclusion, pretenses, and live our life like how it fits to us.

I've been through storms in my life. This one was different, that was the strongest one. It broke my heart, crashed my hope, gave me tears. Some things are better meant to be, so people said that. I don't know if it will get better like it used to be. Thing that I scared the most is that I have a thought that something was once lost, can never really return.

It leads me to doubt to the most famous word in this stinky world. I'd never believe it anyway. Like I said, it crashed my hope. I think better for me to be alone, ignore some people who have influence in my heart. And, fortunately, it works. Don't think I sprint off when people approached. I have friends. We chatted, laughed. Mostly they started the conversation, actually, and I zoned out. I always think that I bore my friends with my current state. That thing really pulls me with itself, to hide in the darkness, to make friend with it.

So, don't let my post ruin your Christmas. I hope you all have a blessed Christmas and have a great time with your family.

Give me an old fashioned Christmas. Family faces, wild open spaces, covered with snow.

Monday, November 18, 2013

An Expert

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.
It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.
And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone?
We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.
Iris - The Holiday

Monday, November 04, 2013

Goodbye, you one dreadful month

I actually don't have any ideas to start this post with but I still have the urge to make a post in this new month. October was a dreadful month. I was sick and that time I thought I will die soon. I went to doctor for medical check-up. People in Pasar 7 clinic said I'm positive DBD (mind you, idk what it called) and typhus.  Doctor in Elisabeth Hospital said I'm negative those deadly shit. Doctor in Madani Clinic said I got dyspepsia, which is kind of true. I diagnosed myself, I got GERD (amit-amit). After a lot of tears, here I am. I'm back to uni, even my condition isn't that normal as before. I thanked God for His blessing in every step I took.

Mid-term is in the air (try not to breath lol). I supposed to study right now seeing advanced accounting is still waving on the gate for me. I'm still studying for StatPel and look how messy my desktop is.

Well, wish me best luck for the rest of my subjects. I also need a strength because you know, I'm not in that good condition. Still I'm sure God will give me a recovery.

Wednesday, October 09, 2013


Hello, world. Here I am, skipping classes and typing word by word. All because I'm not in a good condition. Last Tuesday, after Auditing II class, I went home using public transportation aka angkot. Disitu aku udah kena hujan. Rabunya, aku masih pergi ke kampus dan merasa sehat-sehat aja. Rabu siang aku udah merasa meriang dan panas. Hari Kamis pagi aku pergi ke bidan dekat rumah (ya, aku kalo demam selalu pergi ke bidan dan entah kenapa selalu mujarab) untuk disuntik. Aku udah skip kelas etika dan berencana masuk jam 1 bersama omi yang pada saat itu juga sibuk mengurus adiknya yang sedang opname gara-gara tifus. Setelah di kampus aku merasa lemas sekali, ingin muntah, dan tiba-tiba tanganku dingin. Di tengah perkuliahan, aku permisi sama dosennya untuk pulang ke rumah. I would never leave my pride scattered on the floor. Kalo pingsan di kampus bisa malu aku. Jadilah aku hari kamis itu hanya isi absen ke kampus.

Untungnya hari jumat ngga ada kuliah dan aku bisa berisitirahat di rumah. Jumat sampai sabtu aku merasa baik-baik saja. Bahkan hari sabtu aku sempat ke kampus untuk masuk kelas advanced dan aku bertahan sampai kelas selesai. Until the Sunday came. Hari minggu tengah hari aku mendadak panas lagi. Aku paksakan pergi ke gereja sama keluarga terus pas pasang AC di mobil aku kedinginan. I was not that type of person. Aku suka sekali sesuatu yang dingin, kalo kedinginan hanya gara-gara AC udah jelas ada yang ga beres ini. Hari Senin aku kembali agak hangat. tengah hari aku udah merasa baikan dan terpaksalah aku juga skip 2 mata kuliah hari itu.

And the funniest day, most hectic day, came... Tuesday. Aku beranikan diri ke kampus karena ada rapat yang harus kuhadiri. Aku pergi ke kampus bareng Dian. Selama di dalam mobil, I wasn't feeling so good. Mual gitu. Si Dian malah nakuti pula kalo tifus itu bisa berlanjut ke liver (at first, aku mendiagnosa sendiri kalo aku kena tifus atau dbd). Aku makin takut dan terus berdoa kepada Tuhan supaya bisa melewatkan satu hari ini dengan aman. Karena merasa ngga nyaman juga, begitu Naomi masuk ke kelas aku langsung ajak dia ke klinik di pasar 7 (klinik temapt adiknya berobat). Disitu aku tes darah dan bayar Rp 110.000. Kakak-kakak yang memeriksaku bilang kalau suhu badanku normal (memang aku agak berlebihan bilang demam). Setelah menelepon abangku dan menunggu berjam-jam, hasilnya keluar. Disitu dinyatakan aku positif DBD dan Gejala Tifus. Trombositku hanya 67.000 dan leukositku 12.600 (normalnya 5000-10000). Dikatakan juga aku terkena infeksi gegara leukosit berlebihan. Aku down. Aku lapar dan ga selera makan dan mual dan pingin muntah dan pingin pingsan aja. Abangku sibuk menelpon ortuku untuk membawaku ke rumah sakit elisabeth. Sedangkan omi berusaha menghiburku. Pikiranku ngga jernih. Biasanya kalo leukosit berlebihan ada kemungkinan terbentuknya kanker. Belum lagi aku dinyatakan positif DBD. Aku sibuk liatin kaki tanganku mana tahu ada bintik-bintik merah. Memang ngga ada tapi kata orang yang memeriksaku DBD ga mesti ada bintik-bintik merahnya. Down. Drop. Drown.

Setelah menunggu 20 menit taxi yang ditelfon abangku datang dan abangku bilang kalo mama & papa udah otw ke rs. Aku naik taxi sama omi. Supir taxinya sibuk nanya ngapain ke elisabeth bla bla. Aku bilang kalau aku mau dirawat, aku kena dbd. Dia malah ketawa ga percaya. Selama di taxi Omi nyuruh aku makan sedikit roti biar ada tenaga tapi aku tetap ngga mau. Kalau aku makan aku pasti muntah. Sesampainya di rs, aku dan Omi langsung ke masuk ke IGD dan nanya sama susternya gimana prosedur segala macam. Susternya nanya siapa yang mau dirawat, lalu aku jawab kalo aku sakit. Dia malah kayak ga percaya gitu (geez, peope who work in hospital these days...) Pas ke klinik umum mau periksa, suster 1 lagi juga ga percaya aku mau diopname katanya harus ada rujukan dokter dulu. Disitu aku dan Omi nunggu ortuku dan aku bertahan sebisa mungkin. Aku benar-benar lemas karena kelaparan dan mual. Begitu mamaku datang, susternya baru percaya dan segeralah aku dimasukkan ke ruangan.

Suhu badan diukur, katanya suhuku cuma 37,5 C, darahku diambil untuk diperiksa lagi, tekanan darah juga diukur. Lalu aku menunggu sampai hasil lab keluar. Mamaku udah sibuk nyuruh aku makan tapi aku masih merasa mual. Akhirnya aku paksakan makan walaupun hanya sedikit yang penting ada kekuatan. Setelah perut terisi sedikit demi sedikit, aku merasa lebih baikan. Lalu aku menyuruh Omi untuk baik ke kampus karena kami masih ada kelas Auditing II dan ada tugas yang mesti dikumpul.

Setelah hasil lab keluar, dokter bilang ke papaku kalau hasil tesku normal, bahkan bagus. Trombositku 270.000, leukosit 9,9 (range 3,6 - 11,0), Ig G dan Ig M negatif (-), IgM Anti Salmonella Typhi 2. Aku langsung ga percaya dan menyuruh papaku menunjukkan hasil lab dari klinik tadi terus menjelaskan keluahanku selama ini. Dokter bilang aku hanya kecapekan, jam makan tidak teratur, kekurangan cairan, sering tidur malam, masuk angin. Kalau demamku memang sudah turun, akunya saja yang berlebihan.

Dokternya juga pas periksa nanya gini "mual? baru hari ini dok mualnya. kepala pening? ngga. kerongkongan sakit? ngga. buang air kecil dan besar lancar? lancar dok. gusi berdarah? sebelum saya sakit gusi saya emang lemah dok, jadi sering berdarah."

Akhirnya kami keluar dari rs itu dan aku mau diopname di rs columbia asia (rs rujukan dari kantor papa eke). Terus akhirnya papa bilang kalo sakit lagi baru diopname, jadi searangpulang aja, kecuali aku mau darahku yang udah dikit diambil lagi. Jadi sekarang aku kembali ke rumah dan tidak kuliah, mencoba makan dengan normal dan sehat.

dan inilah sedikit hiburan yang bikin kemarin malam menyenangkan:

dan saat mereka sadar mereka dibohongi (padahal nggak maksud untuk ngerjain):

Monday, September 30, 2013


I tried to be strong but I lost it.

Friday, September 27, 2013

It's Raining Here

Life is full with ups and downs. Now I'm down. It just that something that happened to me today made me realize that I'm suck. My academic results weren't so good. I always thought "Am I at my limit?" I worked hard, really hard. I stayed up late. I solved the problem from the textbooks. I got nothing. But one thing I that I always keep inside "There's no substitute to hard work. Even when you're lucky."

Another reason is because my stupid silly crush. He's the kind of guy that could have any pretty girl he looked at and I don't look how pretty girls look. In this situation, I guess letting this feeling go is the most genius decision.

Love just gets in the way, confuses people, makes them scattered.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Seminar LDS

Hi. I encourage you to join this.

Why? Because. No, seriously. Because I asked you. Because I had spent seven months for this colloquy. Because we organized it for seven friggin months.Those are the most reasonable and acceptable reasons for YOU to join us.

Monday, June 03, 2013


See? This is what you get when you're too kind to your friends. Nothing.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Wake up, Princess

Hi, it's been almost 2 months. How have you been? When I visit this blog, I wanna cry. This blog is like a story of my lifetime. Well, not my whole lifetime exactly, just form high school. I've been through such a rough life recently. I had cried, cursed, and screamed a lot in a few month. I had ignored some people. Until I woke up and I realized that I had paused my life and I need to resumed it. Let's say things are complicated back then. My dog, Scooby, had died and...some problems. I just think that God is so good to me all the time but also mean sometimes. But believe me, the world is too big to be traveled by yourself, you need someone to trust, you simply just need God. Believe me when I say, the problems that you face are too heavy for your shoulders to hold on, you need back up, your soul is craving for God's kindness.

Enough for self-pity. Here are some songs which stay on in my playlist now.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Too Lazy To Think a Title

Hi. I don't wanna post anything today but I feel like I should share my thoughts. I silently wanted somebody right now. Liking someone, wanting them, when they don't want you is like that point during apparition when you are being squeezed from all sides, only you never pop put on the other side. He unknowingly broke my heart countless time. Of course he doesn't know. I never tell him. I wanna make sure first, is this like a stupid effect from someone who's good, handsome, beauty, cool? It's hard to ignore at beauty. When a beautiful woman, or man, or flower or painting crosses your path, your eyes follow, just as sunflowers turn their heads to follow the sun. So it's normal for me to look at him right? To steal any glances when I could.

You know, actually I'm a bit shock at something. It just that I find it difficult to write that on my blog. It's personal matters. Until now I feel guilty for going trough my friend's phone. I mean they're dating, all right?! It's a common thing for them. Not for me cause by remembering that thing I still feel so awkward. I doubt I will act normal around her anymore.

University is hectic. I have a lot of assignment, quiz, presentation, and so on. I'm glad that I've made the right choice. I will be taking 22 credits for this semester. No pressure, just do the better everyday.

Friday, March 01, 2013


Hi. University's kinda freak me the hell out. The lecturers gave us so much pressure. KRS things make me, physically and mentally, sick. I just hope I've made the right decision for taking Auditing I this semester. So um, I'm a bit motivated by my cousin. They went study abroad, got scholarship, and so on. Based on that, I intend to do the same. I have some plans in my little head and I need a courage to make it real. I feel like I'm so dumb right now. I study economics but I barely hear about the economic development of my own country. First thing to do is read local or inter local or even international newspaper.

In my social life, I like a party pooper. I don't have many friends. I'm not friendly to my classmates. I isolated myself. Lack of self-esteem. I need to be courageous. I wonder why Pottermore put me in Gryffindor.

"Have you ever liked somebody so much, you just wanna lock yourself in your room, turn on sad music, and cry?"

Friday, February 15, 2013

It was Thursday

Sup, loves? How's your valentine? Mine was suck. Kidding. Before I start, I wanna remind you that I'm perfectly straight. I'm 100% into boys. Last night, I had dinner with on of my bitches, Dian. To you maybe that sounds odd and ridiculous. We traveled around from Opal Coffee, Morning, Moscow Circus, and Babura. Next time make sure you already reserved your seat on this occasional day. We ate dimsum, chatted cheerfully, and laughed hysterically. I enjoyed our little dinner. At least I didn't stuck my boney ass on my bed last night.

I feel so dumb right now. I have doubt in taking some classes. I have 24 maximum credit for this semester but my primary subjects only 18 credits. So I take four credits for upper classes subjects and the rest... I don't know. Maybe I take two another credits to remedy my last subject, sadly. Conclusion is I only take 22 credits for this semester. My other friends take advance and I don't wanna take that this semester. I know I have some troubles in Intermediate which is I need to practice even more. I still hope I can do much better in this new semester. Let's cross our fingers ;)

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Massive Day's Discourse

Yesterday was hilarious. Words can't describe how I really want to thank you one by one for all your wishes. Especially for my closest friends. They gave me a strawberry shortcake! I really have no idea, guys, I'm feeling so overwhelmed. I mean, since I was in high school, you always give me a birthday cake. Well mostly my hot bitches from bxc did so, I haven't get one from them this year, but it still counts.

Being nineteen reminds me that next year I will no longer be a teenager. I still have feeling that I never do my best in every aspect of my life. Sometimes I fly so high that people can't reach me, sometimes I fall down in a deep hole and I'm stuck and I can't get out on my own. I even needed someone's hand reaching to pull me up. I have no achievement this far. It's embarrassing. What makes me different from my old high school self? I'm sick every time I hear someone on my age has an achievement, has gone to other countries or places to study, or at least has some jobs and got paid from it. What am I?

Okay, stop this drama. Stop being a victim and loser. I just need to focus in present. Regret changes nothing in past, kills time in present. Maybe this feeling is just because of father's birthday lecture. Sometimes we need to look up to get the motivation and we need to look down to appreciate what we have.

"An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it."

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Chickens Got Free

Hello, it's me. Exams finally is over and I'm gonna back to my former activity which are reading, sleeping, and dreaming. I hope the results come out good so I don't need to lock my room and cry all over my pillow. Though I doubt with my AIS, MIS, and intermediate. Oh God... help us, especially me.

So what I'm aiming to post is the tragedy which is happen last night. Yesterday was the last day of finals. After that, my bitches and I went to Thamrin Plaza to explore "Rumah Hantu". We would like to explore Pulau Hantu and let me tell you that was amazing. For instant, I screamed a lot. The place was so dark and the people were horrible. As we landed near the finish line, there was a pocong (google it, if you have no clue) and he was so freaking tall. He surprised us and I screamed at the top of my lung till my throat and my head hurt. I ran along the way and I almost fell. Note to self, never use high hell shoes when you've decided to burn calories.

Then we decided to have some foods. After having a good time of chatting, mocking, joking, laughing, and bullying, we went to Inul Vizta. This was where it began...

Febry rode her car and crossed the street. Then a police demand us to step aside. We have no the slightest idea what cause this but what I know that time was that Febry pushed her pedal in a great pressure and we ran away. That was the very first time for me and for her and maybe for the rest of my bitches, ran away from cops and just been a wanted. Febry kept driving like a mad scientist and picked some smaller ways. Ester kept looking at the back, looking at the cops who was trying to chase us. Knees trembling, consciences speaking, hearts tickling in our chest. Escaped.

We spent one hour in family ktv then back home. I called my mom to pick me up and I need to wait several minutes. Thank God, Vivian and Febry were there,we got thirsty and we had drinks at desolated cafe. The waiters weren't pro, drinks were standard, and we spent 30 minutes until our drinks served. Sweet merlin.
Overall, I did have a quality time with my bitches. Chatting, laughing, mocking, bullying, escaping. I will never tell my parents about the tragedy. I doubt they would give me any permissions if I told them what happened.

I feel that we are like chickens who stay in a cage. Waiting to get skinned. Have a very little chance to free. Accidentally the cage's open and we run away like crazy chickens. People get scared, they give us a look "you-chickens-infected-with-a-virus".