Monday, December 22, 2014

Tired of Waiting

Hi, fellas. I'm waiting my lecturer right now and I feel so bored. Well actually I'm sad not bored because you know... sitting here (alone), watching people chasing their dream, seeing them socializing those things are painful. People is pitying you (like I need your pity).
So I've been thinking about my life. I always think why can't I like everybody else? Why can't I just have fun, do things recklessly, forget about the rules, and stop being so damn righteous! I'm so tired. So tired seeing another reckless human living his/her wonderful life. I always wonder why. Why do people like them always get things more easy? You may say that life is unfair, ya I know that, but that doesn't answer my sodding question. Why is life so unfair? Why can't we happy? Why can't we choose to be happy and live it?
I don't know why I acted like this. Maybe my pride is just too sensitive.

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

A Dare

Boys,
now you see that
I'm neither pretty nor smart
nor witty but a prat.
So I dare you
to love me even more.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Feels Like It

I feel like I want to blow my head with the fire extinguisher. Geez, I've procrastinated A LOT! Sometimes I get envied by seeing my fellow so carefree. Yeah, I'm the cursed one I have no reason to be happy like them. But I just... Oh shut up. There's always buts.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

An Innocent Wish



Dear Naomi, happy 22th birthday. I wish you all joyousness in your lucky life. God bless you abundantly.

Saturday, November 08, 2014

Ashamed

Not in thy assumption
It just that her emotion
Doesn't want any attention
Is that what she keeps telling on?
No. This person
Knows what humiliation
So weak and fragile
She will cry as she pours her heart
So weak so sad
She's living a fear
She speaks in tears
To save some meaningless pride
She keeps it in her heart
Doesn't know she falls hard
Smile in her face is so fake
So weak so sad
Something's wrong in her head

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Numb

Time's ticking, heart's beating, head's spinning. If someone slices my throat with a knife, it wouldn't be more painful than the fate which has to be accepted.
After I, unintentionally, looked that stupid book, I went pale. I wanted to run and cry and whatsoever. Days after days, I was still a sad girl. Those terrible weeks made even a smile couldn't plastered on my face. I was miserable, furious, and sad. My thoughts flew to all my friends which successfully makes me more sad. "Will I be alone?" "Will I look like an idiot if I stay too long?" Even everyone comforted me, I knew one thing only for sure. They would leave me, I was left behind.
So through this post, I want to apologize to everyone who got hurt by me. I'm really sorry if I shut you out, especially my friends and my brother. Sorry for gave you a cold response, sorry for this bad attitude of mine. This week has been so hard and I was so sensitive. I cried in my prayers, every time. I was so jealous of you, guys. Jealousy seriously and unhesitatingly took a big space in my heart.

... but the numbness still had her.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Heartache

"If you love someone, set him free, the saying goes. Yeah, right! Who wants to do that?! When you love someone, the last thing you want to do is set him or her free. You want to cling to him like the last life jacket on the Titanic. Sometimes this works out, if the person doesn't mind, or even adores, your clinging. Other times, if the person doesn't feel the same as you, you just end up causing yourself a huge amount of heartache."

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Written

It's funny, how words can affect your life.
Each one by itself means nothing,
but put when they are placed together
it just changes everything.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Proses

Saat keadaan memilih untuk diam
namun tiap detik selalu berteriak,
nikmatilah.
Saat raga melaun
namun partikel lain melayang di semesta,
nikmatilah.
Sebab menanti dalam keadaan yang diam,
dalam raga yang laun,
lebih nikmat untuk dikecap
daripada harus melaju guna
mendiamkan tiap detik,
menuju tanpa jurusan.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Reflection

Sometimes I wish I were an angel so I couldn't have to feel this feelings. Worries, sadness, happiness, guilty, and so on.
I was miserable! How was it seeing all your friends moving forward and you're the only one who stay behind? That was the thing that made me so sensitive these past two weeks. I tried, I cried, I prayed but things weren't go so well. I told to myself I should be happy but every single damn time I did that, I just got more envy and angrier than the last time.
I shut happiness out of my life. Gosh, even laughing feels like a scarcest thing in this dirty and fucked up world. Until one time, when I was beyond all strength, I realized that I was so selfish, so evil. My pride had turned me into a foul girl. I was so arrogant, I was happy when other people sad, I was so full of myself, and I always thought the bad things. I was pure evil and I... I was so ashamed of my pitiful self.
I couldn't take it any longer. I think I have a serious mental problem.

Monday, October 06, 2014

How Is It

that every time you wake up, you know that you are a filthy scum in the entire world?

Saturday, August 23, 2014

You,

I'm not so nice so I don't know how to say this. I hope you understand what my silence means. I hurt you a hundred times. Will you just let me free?
I don't want to feel any guilt every single damn time I ignore your affection. I always thought that someday you'll find an answer in my silence. But, God, you just don't get it. It's undeniably frustrating.
Please... leave me be. There are plenty of woman better than me. I'm not what you are think of. I'm spoiled. Tainted. Broken. I do not love.
Please... your love makes both of us suffer. Just stop loving me. I don't hate you. I just don't want you keep wasting your time on me. I don't want you to be like me.
Please... go away, look ahead in your amazing life and just observe all good things still waiting.

Sincerely,
The guilt ones

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Ego

Don't leave for
I already missing you

 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Instant

boys and girls
wandering the corridor of life
some with the crowds
some with the olds
doing what their old people asked
with one goal on their forehead
forgetting the process
little do they know they
only build the laziness
label is their middle name
visiting whats cool in town
light make up, glamour gown
looking at people, down
little do they know
they're look like a clown
when the time comes for
boys and girls to live
on their own
they use the power of
their old people
living in a circle
this generation is cliche

Saturday, May 17, 2014

But Them

Everything is the same
We are living under
The same sky
Standing on the
Same ground
Breathing in the
Same air
We are living
In the same space
Running the same pace
Having the same taste
Everything is the same
Even the feelings
Their words hurt us
Yet neither of them know
We hurt inside
You hurt me
She hurts you
Yet neither of them know
Everything is the same
But the people we
Shared our hearts with

Monday, April 28, 2014

Temporary

My friends and I (Kichong) went to Mikie Holiday last Wednesday. We celebrated our temporary freedom from exams. Too tired too writing it one bye one and I suppose to read some chapters for tomorrow classes. Here are the photos :) (only two btw :p)

Monday, April 21, 2014

Ironically

Sup? Mid test was over. Here I am, feeling like blogging is the wise idea. My second-to-last semester is killing me. I have a mountain of homework, presentations, quizzes and so on. The lecturers are killer. Their teaching method is scaring the hell out of me. They are like asking you questions, if you can not answer you will not sit for the rest of the lesson or (which the worst), they give you a low score. I miss my old days in university anyway. I have goals in this semester like finding a good title, maintaining my temporary GPA or increasing it, living a healthy life, etc.

Aside from uni's life, I'm so sad right now. I can't tell you what exactly it is but when you're coming home, what do you expect? When you're so tired from all your activities in this dirty world, you expect something good when you arrive at home. But what happen if your second-to-last hiding place is no different with the dirty world? That's how I feel. Like people who might famous had said, "Love is the energy that keep a person sane." Well, let me tell you, the last thing I wanna do in this corrupt life is believing in love between human. What is love, when you keep lying? What is love, when you never show your love? Love is delusional. People might fall in love, the might say they had found their soul mate, true love and another bs. I just pity them for they might wrong. They just feel that way, as long as they're happy, it's love.

So for those who have an affection on me, I'm sorry, I don' have any mutual feeling. I don't want to love.

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

No Longer a Teenager

So today I turned 20. I thanked God for all the things He had done for me, for His blessings. I thanked my family and friends who keep supporting me. Especially last year when I was sick, very sick, and down. Thank you for being there when I need you. I hope that my wish and your wishes on me will come into reality.
Somehow I feel like an idiot. You know what, deep in my heart, I wish he sends me a greeting for my birthday (like that text that he sent to me last year when I was sick). Ironically, it's impossible. Too dangerous to write down the reason. What if someone visiting my blog and he/she knows all means behind every sentence. Losing pride is the risk.
So, my junior friend invited me to join a reunion tomorrow. I wanted to go even I have an appointment after lunch. I can handle that but one thing. It's quite embarrassing. When I was in junior high, I only had four closest friends. Well honestly, I was popular and I had many friends when I was jhs but only us (me and my girlfriends) who went to different high school. Our ex-school has kindergarten, elementary school, jhs, and shs. So me and my four other friends went to different high school and the rest stayed in the same school. So been away for three years, it loosen our (me and the rest who stayed) knot and the opposite. I have this feeling, feeling like I'm gonna look like a complete stranger to them. I really want to go but I have no company.
Anyway, I'm in misery. I haven't got any exam results yet! and the worst part is I don't know if I'm ready to see the result. Okay...so, I'm tired of writing.

Happy birthday to Me :)

Thursday, January 02, 2014

Last night...

was beautiful. You laughed and ran...with me. You were holding my hand. Your hand was so warm and big. I was the happiest girl alive. We were holding hands. But then... I woke up. It just in my dream. I think I'm gonna cry now.