Sunday, December 20, 2015

Too lazy to think a title

Saya bisa gila. Jika melihat suasana dalam kehidupan seperti ini saya memang bisa gila. Kekacauan, penderitaan, tekanan, kekecewaan, kesedihan, semua amarah dan air mata yang tertahan selama bertahun-tahun, selalu meluap dengan debit yang sangat banyak setiap akhir tahun. Saya merasa bodoh selalu menangis sendirian kemudian bangkit seolah-olah tidak terjadi apa-apa. Lingkaran setan sialan. Saya bahkan merasa bodoh dengan membuat setiap janji-janji kepada diri saya yang hanya saya dan Tuhan yang tahu. Saya khawatir saya bisa gila atau saya sudah menjadi gila.

Namun terkadang, seperti saat ini, saya merasa benar jika menangis, saya merasa cerdas saat saya kembali mengulangi janji-janji tersebut kepada diri saya. Saya tidak tahu mengapa setiap saya memutuskan untuk menyerah, hidup sesuka saya, menjadi arogan,  melepaskan semua nilai kebenaran, selalu saja ada secuil ingatan yang terbersit dalam pikiran saya. Entah ingatan apapun itu yang membawa saya secepat kilat, menyadari bahwa ada sesuatu yang tak terbatas dalam hidup saya, ingatan yang menunjukkan bukti dari hal yang tidak dapat dijelaskan, ingatan yang menghangatkan hati. Jika saya boleh jujur, saya benci jika hal ini terjadi karena hal ini hanya membuat saya kembali ke dalam lingkaran setan dan fase kehidupan yang membosankan itu, saking bencinya saya selalu berusaha mengabaikan ingatan yang absurd itu. Setelah otak saya kembali berfungsi dengan normallah saya menyadari bahwa ingatan itu seperti cahaya dalam terowongan yang membantu saya mencari ujung terowongan itu. Jika saya terus-terusan menolak cahaya itu masuk, saya bisa tersesat dalam kegelapan. Saya benar-benar bisa kehilangan moral bahkan kepercayaan.

Untungnya ada satu lagi bagian yang tersisa dari diri saya yang membuat saya menggantung di limbo (lagi-lagi limbo), bagian yang saya syukuri dari diri saya, bagian yang selalu memberontak. Bahkan dia, yang ada dalam diri saya sendiri, memberontak bagian lain yang notabenenya sama dengannya. Bagian dari diri saya ini tidak suka menyerah, yang mendoktrin bahwa menyerah hanya untuk orang lemah, dan jelas saja sebagian dari diri saya tidak suka diremehkan apalagi dibilang lemah. Bagian inilah, walaupun biasanya saya benci namun kadang-kadang saya sukai, yang membantu saya mengumpulkan pikiran-pikiran yang benar yang akan digunakan untuk memperkuat pengendalian diri saya. Bagian inilah yang menyuruh saya bertahan seburuk apapun keadaan saat ini, bagian ini adalah bagian yang mungkin sedikit masokis, disakiti namun semakin bergairah. A good rebel indeed.

Sebelum melantur lebih jauh, saya ingin menyudahi post ini. Mungkin dalam beberapa bulan ke depan saya akan menyadari betapa alay dan noraknya saya membuat post ini tapi for the sake of 'good' memories, saya tidak akan menghapusnya.

Thursday, October 22, 2015


Ada hal yang tidak bisa kita biarkan begitu saja. Ada hal yang perlu dicatat. Ada hal yang perlu dihafal. Ada hal yang harus diperhatikan setiap detail-nya. Seberepa kecilpun hal itu, ada yang harus diperhatikan. Luangkan sedikit masa untuk mempersiapkan dengan sempurna untuk hal yang kecil tersebut.

Friday, October 02, 2015

For Milk Does Body Good

your skin is not as
white as milk
but you're as
good as milk

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Defending the Sky

If you are the sky, then I will be a sparrow.
I will be a hawk. I will be an eagle.
If you are Uranus, I will be Hyperion and Selene
and bring light to the thunderclouds.
I will be Artemis and give you the moon.
I will be Apollo and give you the sun.
I will protect the sky.
I will be Theia, the shining light of the clear blue sky.
I will be the one thing you believe you can never have again.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

A thought for first human

Men are not born with loyalty,
dogs are.
Men are silly visual creature,
women are the substantial one.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Habakkuk 3:17-18

Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

Monday, August 10, 2015

She does

In her worst moments, she clung to the memory of God's grace in her life.

Thursday, July 02, 2015


don't leave me now, don't say good bye, don't turn around leave me high and dry

Thursday, June 18, 2015


oh, cursed is he
who in times of trouble
had to thrust his soul
forfeiting help
he has nowhere to run

Friday, June 12, 2015


I still don't get it why some people say "you're the best mother" to their mother. It's not like you live with a thousand mothers in the world and give your judgement to them. You only have one lovingly mother, how can you say that she is the best?

For me, I'd rather say "you're the strongest and kindest woman I've ever seen in my pitiful soul".

Saturday, April 18, 2015


One unpleasant and unfortunate memory seems like crawling back up to the surface. It frightens me more than anything. I wish it stays where it once had been.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The Road is Long

try to have fun in the meantime...

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Monday, March 30, 2015


How could an old man with gagged eyes
crashed her entirely hope?
One single lines broke it.
There she was, sitting, pretending.
All she wanted to say was, "Fuck you, what's the difference?"
She never voiced it.
Yes, indeed...
Fuck his lonely old life.

Sunday, March 08, 2015

I Don't Even Know Why

Today was fun, really, really fun with close friends, new people, strangers...
But still, happiness was still far from me.

I was wrong yesterday. Actually, yesterday was (indeed) really fun. My friends and I went to Cemara Asri swimming pool. We swam for like four hours. Geez, I really like swimming but I hate it when my skin got darkened. Maybe I should register to become a member of one of those gym which has an indoor swimming pool? Anyway, without further ado, these are some silly photos I'd like to share :)

 secret agents wanna be
 lady in red skirt, ester, and naomi
 and... they were ended up dancing -_-
shamelessly silly selfie
 ester with stranger in the water
ester swam like her life depends on it

 the other side of naomi
That afternoon, I went to Ester's house waiting my brother to pick me which lead to this adventure with bicycle. We rode bicycle maybe for 500 meters. I tell you, my friend, it hurts.
We ended up in Roland's to buy some drinks and we didn't bring much money so we kind of called some friends to come over to, well um..., treat us with some drinks? At 10.30 pm, we, as in Cynthia, Ester, and I, left Roland's and bought a cheap martabak because of starving. That day was fun. I hope we can do another silly things together again, I really hope that. That weekend was a bliss.

Sunday, February 22, 2015


It was unrealistic
It was amazing
How we were staring at each other
Unsure who speak first
Didn't know any words
We were the unmoving one in a rush
I might a little surprised to see you here
I didn't care, I swore, I didn't care
I just need to watch you, find any difference,
save it to my memory,
and remember it every time I feel like I need it,
till we... meet again.


This Sunday was the very first time in this year.
This Sunday, something unlocked.
This Sunday, I look like a chicken.
This Sunday, I spent every minutes in ride back home... thinking about how stupid I was.
This Sunday made me disgustingly melancholic.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Silly Thought

I wish I could ran away from the crowd, from this city. I will run far far away... to the fields or hills. Escaping the stress that haunts me. I will cry as hard as I can and I will shout "WHY, GOD?"
but... I doubt He will answer.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015


can't hold it any longer yet
can't let it show for
it will tarnish my image.
what images, really?

this monster inside me is
getting tougher for I
getting weaker.
it loves me when I'm weak.
this monster... loves me.
maybe it's a good thing to know
that someone or something loves me.
or it's a bad thing to know...
even a monster can love.

Sunday, February 08, 2015

Darker Shades are Beautiful

clouds. grays. winds.
the city had never looked more beautiful than this day.
the air in my nostrils were more fresh. 
the lights were brighter and more colorful.
the streets were cleaner and more desolate.
the buildings were more glorious.
had someone redesign that glassy building?
I didn't know.
everything was so beautiful.
I still in the same old, small, city, yet it was strange.
funny how those three made a lovely difference.

Thursday, February 05, 2015


I thank you, my dearest friends, for celebrating my humble birthday. Thanks for all the hopes which I gladly will turn it to reality. Thanks for the cakes, surprises, and prayers. This is so blast, I'm so happy and my stresses are left behind.
I thank You, Lord, for guiding me straight and true through many obstacles in my path. I thank You, Lord, for the friends I made. I'm legal now. I'm ready for the burden on my shoulders.
celebration from my high school bitches, dina (on the left) & dona (took the picture)

my dearest best friend in town, naomi

 look, how happy they were, seeing my poor soul sliced the damn cake.

 an expected and non surprising celebration from good people in Persisten

"tim pengoyak dompet"

Saturday, January 24, 2015


Has life become ugly or I just realized it?
Has friendship become distance or I just fantasized it?
Has time become quicker or I just imagined it?
Has good become bad?