Numb

Time's ticking, heart's beating, head's spinning. If someone slices my throat with a knife, it wouldn't be more painful than the fate which has to be accepted.

After I, unintentionally, looked that stupid book, I went pale. I wanted to run and cry and whatsoever. Days after days, I was still a sad girl. Those terrible weeks made even a smile couldn't plastered on my face. I was miserable, furious, and sad. My thoughts flew to all my friends which successfully makes me more sad. "Will I be alone?" "Will I look like an idiot if I stay too long?" Even everyone comforted me, I knew one thing only for sure. They would leave me, I was left behind.

So through this post, I want to apologize to everyone who got hurt by me. I'm really sorry if I shut you out, especially my friends and my brother. Sorry for gave you a cold response, sorry for this bad attitude of mine. This week has been so hard and I was so sensitive. I cried in my prayers, every time. I was so jealous of you, guys. Jealousy seriously and unhesitatingly took a big space in my heart.

... but the numbness still had her.

Heartache

"If you love someone, set him free, the saying goes. Yeah, right! Who wants to do that?! When you love someone, the last thing you want to do is set him or her free. You want to cling to him like the last life jacket on the Titanic. Sometimes this works out, if the person doesn't mind, or even adores, your clinging. Other times, if the person doesn't feel the same as you, you just end up causing yourself a huge amount of heartache."

Written

It's funny, how words can affect your life.
Each one by itself means nothing,
but put when they are placed together
it just changes everything.

Proses

Saat keadaan memilih untuk diam
namun tiap detik selalu berteriak,
nikmatilah.

Saat raga melaun
namun partikel lain melayang di semesta,
nikmatilah.

Sebab menanti dalam keadaan yang diam,
dalam raga yang laun,
lebih nikmat untuk dikecap
daripada harus melaju guna
mendiamkan tiap detik,
menuju tanpa jurusan.

Reflection

Sometimes I wish I were an angel so I couldn't have to feel this feelings. Worries, sadness, happiness, guilty, and so on.

I was miserable! How was it seeing all your friends moving forward and you're the only one who stay behind? That was the thing that made me so sensitive these past two weeks. I tried, I cried, I prayed but things weren't go so well. I told to myself I should be happy but every single damn time I did that, I just got more envy and angrier than the last time.

I shut happiness out of my life. Gosh, even laughing feels like a scarcest thing in this dirty and fucked up world. Until one time, when I was beyond all strength, I realized that I was so selfish, so evil. My pride had turned me into a foul girl. I was so arrogant, I was happy when other people sad, I was so full of myself, and I always thought the bad things. I was pure evil and I... I was so ashamed of my pitiful self.

I couldn't take it any longer. I think I have a serious mental problem.

How Is It

that every time you wake up, you know that you are a filthy scum in the entire world?