At Night

As I grew wiser, people keep asking me if I always sleep late. They see me online at ungodly hour or catch me yawning at day. So here's the answer (not like they're gonna see it anyway).

Yes, I sleep late. If it possible, I will sleep when the dawn breaks. You might ask if I am an insomniac and I'd tell you that I'm not. You can leave me in an empty room with no tasks to be completed, I will sleep in three minutes. So why do I sleep late?

I always afraid of the night. I'm afraid that when the morning comes, I'll wake in a different place, with different people. I'm afraid that something bad may happened and I can't stop it. I remember sleeping next to my mum, hugging her arm until morning. Because of I'm afraid of night, I can't be weak. I can't be a weak pleb so that if one time the night decides to hit me, I can hit it back and beat it into a pulp. I have to be strong, I have to be in control, and never let my guards down.

Then you might ask if is not it tiring and kind of useless? I tell you, it's tiring that's why you can find me lethargically yawning every day. I don't think that it's useless. In fact, I'm preparing myself to have a merciless match with the night. At this point I start to think that I'm belligerent.

Think I've explained myself. It's nice to be back on blog again. My laptop broke and when I try to logging in by my old laptop, the page won't load. It's really frustrating using phone to write a post. Geez...

PS: forgive me for any grammar mistakes or wrong vocabulary, got no time to proofread.

Naive

They said welcome to the cruel world

Some said welcome to the new world.

Well, that's funny, my dear friends. You don't have to remind me what the world is like. As I said earlier, you don't have to remind me for I knew it better. Maybe it's a new or a cruel world for you but it's all same for me, personally. Welcome to the world, my naive friends ;)

Southern Delta Aquarids

Finally! I've seen a meteor! This year is rich with meteor shower and fortunately, my dear friends, today was its peak season for southern delta aquarids! I still can't believe I saw one!! And with my favorite girl friends! I was ecstatic!!! I literally jumped and screamed.

At first, I thought it was a plane. Then it became brighter and whiter (?). It was yellow, bright yellow almost white I think, maybe its chemical composition is iron. Okay, I don't care. I'm so happy ;)

The Conversation

It was supposed to be a joke, a jest, a jabber, a blabber.
Yet being a strange person I was,
I didn't find a normal joke particularly amusing.

My mum wondered if I was born with bad luck. She laughed.
I stood up from the chair, tall and proud, and told her that...
life is a matter of perspective and I am fortunate.

Merde

I do not know what I want right now. I want something new yet I stay. I want talking with some friends yet crowded tortures me. I want to be left alone yet my thought tires me out. I want to be happy yet I can't even crack a smile. I want to be a nice person but I'm too sad and too angry. I want everything works perfectly fine but, shit, that will not be a life.

Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore

I have a friend

She's not smart, don't judge me, she admitted it herself, she's not beautiful, she's not popular, she's just a common girl. She's the kind of girl you see in high school who comes to school, has small circle of friends to talk, has an acceptable grades, and has no after school activities. She's just there. I also thought the same. She's too plain and no spark, no ambition, not my kind of friend (I know people will hate me for being an arrogant brat I was). I thought I better distance myself because she might give a bad influence.

How sweet, how naive. I am the bad influence honestly.

As years goes by, I find that I like her company. She's funny, she's humble (OMG she does!), she's innocent, she's lucky, she's loyal, she's friendly, she's brave, she's independent, and she's inhumanly strong.

I really want to thank her for teaching me something that I can't get from whatever classes or lessons I have. She taught me to be kind, to be nice, to love and respect others. She indirectly showed me that God's always good. I don't know why she wants to have a friend like me. I ditched her when we were high school. Geez, I remember that I even made her cry once.

She will be leaving town on August and I can't help but feeling blue. She's always there and the thought of her leaving this town is just crush me. I need these people to make me human, to make me normal but they're leaving me. My brother, her...

Guess, I don't have a clue how to survive this year, humanly.

Midnight Musing (2)

I can't sleep. These past few days, I really tried to sleep at 10 pm sharp but it was pointless and useless. When I was really stressed with my uni's problem, I slept easily! Like a friggin' child. Now, when nothings in my mind, I keep wandering the night. I need to sleep seriously for this habit isn't healthy.

Midnight Musing

Sometimes I think I'm not worth anything but I have too much of God's kindness.
A mercy, an unconditional love, a friendship, and...
Sometimes I think that I have wasted too much of God's kindness.
You may say I am an ungrateful person, I do not object.
I tried to change, to love, to care.
God knows I tried indeed.
And, yes, let there be light to light up my life.

Decent

Young lad, you gave me one hell of a joke.
For you told me that I was beautiful.
Nah, I was far away from it.

I have wavy hair.
Oh, not the sexy messy wavy hair.
When I say wavy, I mean
the absolutely not sexy messy wavy hair
which is the thick wavy hair.
I'm afraid there are living creatures in there.
I have dark skin.
No, definitely not golden brown that makes everyone looks smokin' hot.
Just dark and not so smooth.
I'm not tall and I'm a bit underweight.
My eyes, they're small. And I'm mono lid.
My nose, hmm I wish I had more money to do nose job but let's cover it with some contour.
My lips, far away from those beautiful and sexy lips!
My teeth, got a bad gene huh. Not beautiful straight white teeth I guess.
My fingers, oh gosh. They're short. And fat!
My boobs, hmm I did say, I was underweight so... figure it out.

So, darling, if we use universal beauty standards,
I'm not in the list.
I'm not ugly either.
I'm decent. Cheers!

Trapped

A friend told me that love is bitter.
I smiled.
A friend asked me which color is better.
I sipped my tea.
A friend showed me pictures of her lover.
I yawned.

Loves, she is a hospitable person! I do not want to admit it but I simply have no clue how to deal with this kind of person. I have this urge to tell her, to admit, that I do not give a flying darn about her life. But I can't because she is awfully nice.

That leaves me with no other choices, I will pretend as if I care.
Even if it's exhausting,
Even if my pseudo smile is ugly
or my eyes shows emptiness,
I will pretend.

Blah

He said that he knew my character

Said that I was a headstrong

and arrogant.

Aw, it tickled my heart.

If I had one.

Well, yeah, the last thing I want to do is being inappropriate to certain people. These are for people who used a false judgement on me. Or maybe... it was not false, I just happen to loathed the person who said it. I do not care, still suits for the person anyway.

Lemongrass

 

Story goes like this. I decided to plant my own lemongrass. Like every new beginning, I was hopeful and water them every morning. Days went by, nothing happened and things got hectic. I basically stopped watering altogether and left them to fend for themselves in scorching Brisbane weather. Thought they're dead by now but guess how surprised I was to find green leaves thriving this morning. Often times, the crucial stages in life are slow, with not much visible progress. But just because it is not visible, doesn't mean it's not there. I'm thankful that even when I'm slow (such as this lemongrass), God is gentle and patient. He who began the good work in you will carry it to completion.

My cousin shared it on her ig. I guess I should plant a lemongrass too, hm? I've always heard that plant is the perfect metaphor for life but why use metaphor when plant is life?

Garbage Man

I see poverty everywhere. I hear people begging for a job every time. Those are kind of usual for me. I can't feel any pities nor sympathies anymore.

Until I heard and I saw, a garbage man begging for a low job for his own son who recently had finished high school. I had never feel this way before. Geez they're just acquaintances I shouldn't waste my thoughts on them. But I was angry. I didn't know why. Maybe it was because the garbage man was like set a limit for his son or maybe because the garbage man had never preached his son to study hard or maybe because the garbage man permitted his son to dream big. 

Then I realized that I had no place to vent my rage.

Last touch, here it is. the partial solar eclipse.

An Old Question

My father once asked me what was the largest number I could think of. I said that I didn't know. He asked me again if I believe there was a largest number in this world. Ah... old times, I did math just for grades. I found out that there was no such thing as a largest number when I was a teenager. Now, I finally understand the question.

If the infinities don't exist, how is God infinite?

Though that doesn't mean I don't believe in God.

Too lazy to think a title

Saya bisa gila. Jika melihat suasana dalam kehidupan seperti ini saya memang bisa gila. Kekacauan, penderitaan, tekanan, kekecewaan, kesedihan, semua amarah dan air mata yang tertahan selama bertahun-tahun, selalu meluap dengan debit yang sangat banyak setiap akhir tahun. Saya merasa bodoh selalu menangis sendirian kemudian bangkit seolah-olah tidak terjadi apa-apa. Lingkaran setan sialan. Saya bahkan merasa bodoh dengan membuat setiap janji-janji kepada diri saya yang hanya saya dan Tuhan yang tahu. Saya khawatir saya bisa gila atau saya sudah menjadi gila.

Namun terkadang, seperti saat ini, saya merasa benar jika menangis, saya merasa cerdas saat saya kembali mengulangi janji-janji tersebut kepada diri saya. Saya tidak tahu mengapa setiap saya memutuskan untuk menyerah, hidup sesuka saya, menjadi arogan,  melepaskan semua nilai kebenaran, selalu saja ada secuil ingatan yang terbersit dalam pikiran saya. Entah ingatan apapun itu yang membawa saya secepat kilat, menyadari bahwa ada sesuatu yang tak terbatas dalam hidup saya, ingatan yang menunjukkan bukti dari hal yang tidak dapat dijelaskan, ingatan yang menghangatkan hati. Jika saya boleh jujur, saya benci jika hal ini terjadi karena hal ini hanya membuat saya kembali ke dalam lingkaran setan dan fase kehidupan yang membosankan itu, saking bencinya saya selalu berusaha mengabaikan ingatan yang absurd itu. Setelah otak saya kembali berfungsi dengan normallah saya menyadari bahwa ingatan itu seperti cahaya dalam terowongan yang membantu saya mencari ujung terowongan itu. Jika saya terus-terusan menolak cahaya itu masuk, saya bisa tersesat dalam kegelapan. Saya benar-benar bisa kehilangan moral bahkan kepercayaan.

Untungnya ada satu lagi bagian yang tersisa dari diri saya yang membuat saya menggantung di limbo (lagi-lagi limbo), bagian yang saya syukuri dari diri saya, bagian yang selalu memberontak. Bahkan dia, yang ada dalam diri saya sendiri, memberontak bagian lain yang notabenenya sama dengannya. Bagian dari diri saya ini tidak suka menyerah, yang mendoktrin bahwa menyerah hanya untuk orang lemah, dan jelas saja sebagian dari diri saya tidak suka diremehkan apalagi dibilang lemah. Bagian inilah, walaupun biasanya saya benci namun kadang-kadang saya sukai, yang membantu saya mengumpulkan pikiran-pikiran yang benar yang akan digunakan untuk memperkuat pengendalian diri saya. Bagian inilah yang menyuruh saya bertahan seburuk apapun keadaan saat ini, bagian ini adalah bagian yang mungkin sedikit masokis, disakiti namun semakin bergairah. A good rebel indeed.

Sebelum melantur lebih jauh, saya ingin menyudahi post ini. Mungkin dalam beberapa bulan ke depan saya akan menyadari betapa alay dan noraknya saya membuat post ini tapi for the sake of 'good' memories, saya tidak akan menghapusnya.

Confused

I still don't get it why some people say "you're the best mother" to their mother. It's not like you live with a thousand mothers in the world and give your judgement to them. You only have one lovingly mother, how can you say that she is the best?

For me, I'd rather say "you're the strongest and kindest woman I've ever seen in my pitiful soul".

No sane people call it easy

...but I'll try.

Vulgarism

How could an old man with gagged eyes
crashed her entirely hope?
One single lines broke it.
There she was, sitting, pretending.
All she wanted to say was, "Fuck you, what's the difference?"
She never voiced it.
Yes, indeed...
Fuck his lonely old life.

I Don't Even Know Why

Today was fun, really, really fun with close friends, new people, strangers...
But still, happiness was still far from me.

I was wrong yesterday. Actually, yesterday was (indeed) really fun. My friends and I went to Cemara Asri swimming pool. We swam for like four hours. Geez, I really like swimming but I hate it when my skin got darkened. Maybe I should register to become a member of one of those gym which has an indoor swimming pool? Anyway, without further ado, these are some silly photos I'd like to share :)

 secret agents wanna be

 lady in red skirt, ester, and naomi

 and... they were ended up dancing -_-

shamelessly silly selfie

 ester with stranger in the water

ester swam like her life depends on it

 the other side of naomi

That afternoon, I went to Ester's house waiting my brother to pick me which lead to this adventure with bicycle. We rode bicycle maybe for 500 meters. I tell you, my friend, it hurts.

We ended up in Roland's to buy some drinks and we didn't bring much money so we kind of called some friends to come over to, well um..., treat us with some drinks? At 10.30 pm, we, as in Cynthia, Ester, and I, left Roland's and bought a cheap martabak because of starving. That day was fun. I hope we can do another silly things together again, I really hope that. That weekend was a bliss.

Sunday

This Sunday was the very first time in this year.

This Sunday, something unlocked.

This Sunday, I look like a chicken.

This Sunday, I spent every minutes in ride back home... thinking about how stupid I was.

This Sunday made me disgustingly melancholic.