Last night...

was beautiful. You laughed and ran...with me. You were holding my hand. Your hand was so warm and big. I was the happiest girl alive. We were holding hands. But then... I woke up. It just in my dream. I think I'm gonna cry now.

Why Worry

Merry Christmas, loves! May the joy be within you and you family and I hope you have a blessed Christmas. I thank Lord this year I still able to celebrate Christmas with my family and my new dog, Google or Blanco (it has two names). I hope that after Christmas I still can have this happy and thankful feeling. I'm a bit doubt that troubles may come and take all the bliss. But I'm thinking hey that's the point of being a Christian right? Troubles, problems, doubtfulness, and the list goes on with synonyms are meant to be. Those make us stronger and wiser. Jesus, Himself, said "don't you worry". So, my soul, you better relax and live your life to the fullest then let God do the rest.

"Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, He was watching. Even when He seemed indifferent to my suffering, He was watching and when I was beyond all hope of saving... He gave me rest and gave me a sign to continue my journey..."

Life of Pi

How about some instrument from Kenny G? Happy Christmas!

Pretenses

Christmas is here, bringing joy for young and old. How have you been, love? Thank God for giving me recovery everyday. So December should be a happy and joyful month for me but not this year. Some things have happened to my life. A big change & truth that brought us to the pretenses. I think I like it. I knew all the truths, it didn't sound so different from what I thought. It just that we've came to the truth, conclusion, pretenses, and live our life like how it fits to us.

I've been through storms in my life. This one was different, that was the strongest one. It broke my heart, crashed my hope, gave me tears. Some things are better meant to be, so people said that. I don't know if it will get better like it used to be. Thing that I scared the most is that I have a thought that something was once lost, can never really return.

It leads me to doubt to the most famous word in this stinky world. I'd never believe it anyway. Like I said, it crashed my hope. I think better for me to be alone, ignore some people who have influence in my heart. And, fortunately, it works. Don't think I sprint off when people approached. I have friends. We chatted, laughed. Mostly they started the conversation, actually, and I zoned out. I always think that I bore my friends with my current state. That thing really pulls me with itself, to hide in the darkness, to make friend with it.

So, don't let my post ruin your Christmas. I hope you all have a blessed Christmas and have a great time with your family.

Give me an old fashioned Christmas. Family faces, wild open spaces, covered with snow.

An Expert

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone?

We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

Iris - The Holiday

Goodbye, you one dreadful month

I actually don't have any ideas to start this post with but I still have the urge to make a post in this new month. October was a dreadful month. I was sick and that time I thought I will die soon. I went to doctor for medical check-up. People in Pasar 7 clinic said I'm positive DBD (mind you, idk what it called) and typhus.  Doctor in Elisabeth Hospital said I'm negative those deadly shit. Doctor in Madani Clinic said I got dyspepsia, which is kind of true. I diagnosed myself, I got GERD (amit-amit). After a lot of tears, here I am. I'm back to uni, even my condition isn't that normal as before. I thanked God for His blessing in every step I took.

Mid-term is in the air (try not to breath lol). I supposed to study right now seeing advanced accounting is still waving on the gate for me. I'm still studying for StatPel and look how messy my desktop is.

Well, wish me best luck for the rest of my subjects. I also need a strength because you know, I'm not in that good condition. Still I'm sure God will give me a recovery.

Falling

Hello, world. Here I am, skipping classes and typing word by word. All because I'm not in a good condition. Last Tuesday, after Auditing II class, I went home using public transportation aka angkot. Disitu aku udah kena hujan. Rabunya, aku masih pergi ke kampus dan merasa sehat-sehat aja. Rabu siang aku udah merasa meriang dan panas. Hari Kamis pagi aku pergi ke bidan dekat rumah (ya, aku kalo demam selalu pergi ke bidan dan entah kenapa selalu mujarab) untuk disuntik. Aku udah skip kelas etika dan berencana masuk jam 1 bersama omi yang pada saat itu juga sibuk mengurus adiknya yang sedang opname gara-gara tifus. Setelah di kampus aku merasa lemas sekali, ingin muntah, dan tiba-tiba tanganku dingin. Di tengah perkuliahan, aku permisi sama dosennya untuk pulang ke rumah. I would never leave my pride scattered on the floor. Kalo pingsan di kampus bisa malu aku. Jadilah aku hari kamis itu hanya isi absen ke kampus.

Untungnya hari jumat ngga ada kuliah dan aku bisa berisitirahat di rumah. Jumat sampai sabtu aku merasa baik-baik saja. Bahkan hari sabtu aku sempat ke kampus untuk masuk kelas advanced dan aku bertahan sampai kelas selesai. Until the Sunday came. Hari minggu tengah hari aku mendadak panas lagi. Aku paksakan pergi ke gereja sama keluarga terus pas pasang AC di mobil aku kedinginan. I was not that type of person. Aku suka sekali sesuatu yang dingin, kalo kedinginan hanya gara-gara AC udah jelas ada yang ga beres ini. Hari Senin aku kembali agak hangat. tengah hari aku udah merasa baikan dan terpaksalah aku juga skip 2 mata kuliah hari itu.

And the funniest day, most hectic day, came... Tuesday. Aku beranikan diri ke kampus karena ada rapat yang harus kuhadiri. Aku pergi ke kampus bareng Dian. Selama di dalam mobil, I wasn't feeling so good. Mual gitu. Si Dian malah nakuti pula kalo tifus itu bisa berlanjut ke liver (at first, aku mendiagnosa sendiri kalo aku kena tifus atau dbd). Aku makin takut dan terus berdoa kepada Tuhan supaya bisa melewatkan satu hari ini dengan aman. Karena merasa ngga nyaman juga, begitu Naomi masuk ke kelas aku langsung ajak dia ke klinik di pasar 7 (klinik temapt adiknya berobat). Disitu aku tes darah dan bayar Rp 110.000. Kakak-kakak yang memeriksaku bilang kalau suhu badanku normal (memang aku agak berlebihan bilang demam). Setelah menelepon abangku dan menunggu berjam-jam, hasilnya keluar. Disitu dinyatakan aku positif DBD dan Gejala Tifus. Trombositku hanya 67.000 dan leukositku 12.600 (normalnya 5000-10000). Dikatakan juga aku terkena infeksi gegara leukosit berlebihan. Aku down. Aku lapar dan ga selera makan dan mual dan pingin muntah dan pingin pingsan aja. Abangku sibuk menelpon ortuku untuk membawaku ke rumah sakit elisabeth. Sedangkan omi berusaha menghiburku. Pikiranku ngga jernih. Biasanya kalo leukosit berlebihan ada kemungkinan terbentuknya kanker. Belum lagi aku dinyatakan positif DBD. Aku sibuk liatin kaki tanganku mana tahu ada bintik-bintik merah. Memang ngga ada tapi kata orang yang memeriksaku DBD ga mesti ada bintik-bintik merahnya. Down. Drop. Drown.

Setelah menunggu 20 menit taxi yang ditelfon abangku datang dan abangku bilang kalo mama & papa udah otw ke rs. Aku naik taxi sama omi. Supir taxinya sibuk nanya ngapain ke elisabeth bla bla. Aku bilang kalau aku mau dirawat, aku kena dbd. Dia malah ketawa ga percaya. Selama di taxi Omi nyuruh aku makan sedikit roti biar ada tenaga tapi aku tetap ngga mau. Kalau aku makan aku pasti muntah. Sesampainya di rs, aku dan Omi langsung ke masuk ke IGD dan nanya sama susternya gimana prosedur segala macam. Susternya nanya siapa yang mau dirawat, lalu aku jawab kalo aku sakit. Dia malah kayak ga percaya gitu (geez, peope who work in hospital these days...) Pas ke klinik umum mau periksa, suster 1 lagi juga ga percaya aku mau diopname katanya harus ada rujukan dokter dulu. Disitu aku dan Omi nunggu ortuku dan aku bertahan sebisa mungkin. Aku benar-benar lemas karena kelaparan dan mual. Begitu mamaku datang, susternya baru percaya dan segeralah aku dimasukkan ke ruangan.

Suhu badan diukur, katanya suhuku cuma 37,5 C, darahku diambil untuk diperiksa lagi, tekanan darah juga diukur. Lalu aku menunggu sampai hasil lab keluar. Mamaku udah sibuk nyuruh aku makan tapi aku masih merasa mual. Akhirnya aku paksakan makan walaupun hanya sedikit yang penting ada kekuatan. Setelah perut terisi sedikit demi sedikit, aku merasa lebih baikan. Lalu aku menyuruh Omi untuk baik ke kampus karena kami masih ada kelas Auditing II dan ada tugas yang mesti dikumpul.

Setelah hasil lab keluar, dokter bilang ke papaku kalau hasil tesku normal, bahkan bagus. Trombositku 270.000, leukosit 9,9 (range 3,6 - 11,0), Ig G dan Ig M negatif (-), IgM Anti Salmonella Typhi 2. Aku langsung ga percaya dan menyuruh papaku menunjukkan hasil lab dari klinik tadi terus menjelaskan keluahanku selama ini. Dokter bilang aku hanya kecapekan, jam makan tidak teratur, kekurangan cairan, sering tidur malam, masuk angin. Kalau demamku memang sudah turun, akunya saja yang berlebihan.

Dokternya juga pas periksa nanya gini "mual? baru hari ini dok mualnya. kepala pening? ngga. kerongkongan sakit? ngga. buang air kecil dan besar lancar? lancar dok. gusi berdarah? sebelum saya sakit gusi saya emang lemah dok, jadi sering berdarah."

Akhirnya kami keluar dari rs itu dan aku mau diopname di rs columbia asia (rs rujukan dari kantor papa eke). Terus akhirnya papa bilang kalo sakit lagi baru diopname, jadi searangpulang aja, kecuali aku mau darahku yang udah dikit diambil lagi. Jadi sekarang aku kembali ke rumah dan tidak kuliah, mencoba makan dengan normal dan sehat.

dan inilah sedikit hiburan yang bikin kemarin malam menyenangkan:

dan saat mereka sadar mereka dibohongi (padahal nggak maksud untuk ngerjain):