Heartache

"If you love someone, set him free, the saying goes. Yeah, right! Who wants to do that?! When you love someone, the last thing you want to do is set him or her free. You want to cling to him like the last life jacket on the Titanic. Sometimes this works out, if the person doesn't mind, or even adores, your clinging. Other times, if the person doesn't feel the same as you, you just end up causing yourself a huge amount of heartache."

Written

It's funny, how words can affect your life.
Each one by itself means nothing,
but put when they are placed together
it just changes everything.

Proses

Saat keadaan memilih untuk diam
namun tiap detik selalu berteriak,
nikmatilah.

Saat raga melaun
namun partikel lain melayang di semesta,
nikmatilah.

Sebab menanti dalam keadaan yang diam,
dalam raga yang laun,
lebih nikmat untuk dikecap
daripada harus melaju guna
mendiamkan tiap detik,
menuju tanpa jurusan.

Reflection

Sometimes I wish I were an angel so I couldn't have to feel this feelings. Worries, sadness, happiness, guilty, and so on.

I was miserable! How was it seeing all your friends moving forward and you're the only one who stay behind? That was the thing that made me so sensitive these past two weeks. I tried, I cried, I prayed but things weren't go so well. I told to myself I should be happy but every single damn time I did that, I just got more envy and angrier than the last time.

I shut happiness out of my life. Gosh, even laughing feels like a scarcest thing in this dirty and fucked up world. Until one time, when I was beyond all strength, I realized that I was so selfish, so evil. My pride had turned me into a foul girl. I was so arrogant, I was happy when other people sad, I was so full of myself, and I always thought the bad things. I was pure evil and I... I was so ashamed of my pitiful self.

I couldn't take it any longer. I think I have a serious mental problem.

How Is It

that every time you wake up, you know that you are a filthy scum in the entire world?

You,

I'm not so nice so I don't know how to say this. I hope you understand what my silence means. I hurt you a hundred times. Will you just let me free?

I don't want to feel any guilt every single damn time I ignore your affection. I always thought that someday you'll find an answer in my silence. But, God, you just don't get it. It's undeniably frustrating.

Please... leave me be. There are plenty of woman better than me. I'm not what you are think of. I'm spoiled. Tainted. Broken. I do not love.

Please... your love makes both of us suffer. Just stop loving me. I don't hate you. I just don't want you keep wasting your time on me. I don't want you to be like me.

Please... go away, look ahead in your amazing life and just observe all good things still waiting.

Sincerely,

The guilt ones