No Longer a Teenager

So today I turned 20. I thanked God for all the things He had done for me, for His blessings. I thanked my family and friends who keep supporting me. Especially last year when I was sick, very sick, and down. Thank you for being there when I need you. I hope that my wish and your wishes on me will come into reality.

Somehow I feel like an idiot. You know what, deep in my heart, I wish he sends me a greeting for my birthday (like that text that he sent to me last year when I was sick). Ironically, it's impossible. Too dangerous to write down the reason. What if someone visiting my blog and he/she knows all means behind every sentence. Losing pride is the risk.

So, my junior friend invited me to join a reunion tomorrow. I wanted to go even I have an appointment after lunch. I can handle that but one thing. It's quite embarrassing. When I was in junior high, I only had four closest friends. Well honestly, I was popular and I had many friends when I was jhs but only us (me and my girlfriends) who went to different high school. Our ex-school has kindergarten, elementary school, jhs, and shs. So me and my four other friends went to different high school and the rest stayed in the same school. So been away for three years, it loosen our (me and the rest who stayed) knot and the opposite. I have this feeling, feeling like I'm gonna look like a complete stranger to them. I really want to go but I have no company.

Anyway, I'm in misery. I haven't got any exam results yet! and the worst part is I don't know if I'm ready to see the result. Okay...so, I'm tired of writing.

Happy birthday to Me :)

Last night...

was beautiful. You laughed and ran...with me. You were holding my hand. Your hand was so warm and big. I was the happiest girl alive. We were holding hands. But then... I woke up. It just in my dream. I think I'm gonna cry now.

Why Worry

Merry Christmas, loves! May the joy be within you and you family and I hope you have a blessed Christmas. I thank Lord this year I still able to celebrate Christmas with my family and my new dog, Google or Blanco (it has two names). I hope that after Christmas I still can have this happy and thankful feeling. I'm a bit doubt that troubles may come and take all the bliss. But I'm thinking hey that's the point of being a Christian right? Troubles, problems, doubtfulness, and the list goes on with synonyms are meant to be. Those make us stronger and wiser. Jesus, Himself, said "don't you worry". So, my soul, you better relax and live your life to the fullest then let God do the rest.

"Even when God seemed to have abandoned me, He was watching. Even when He seemed indifferent to my suffering, He was watching and when I was beyond all hope of saving... He gave me rest and gave me a sign to continue my journey..."

Life of Pi

How about some instrument from Kenny G? Happy Christmas!

Pretenses

Christmas is here, bringing joy for young and old. How have you been, love? Thank God for giving me recovery everyday. So December should be a happy and joyful month for me but not this year. Some things have happened to my life. A big change & truth that brought us to the pretenses. I think I like it. I knew all the truths, it didn't sound so different from what I thought. It just that we've came to the truth, conclusion, pretenses, and live our life like how it fits to us.

I've been through storms in my life. This one was different, that was the strongest one. It broke my heart, crashed my hope, gave me tears. Some things are better meant to be, so people said that. I don't know if it will get better like it used to be. Thing that I scared the most is that I have a thought that something was once lost, can never really return.

It leads me to doubt to the most famous word in this stinky world. I'd never believe it anyway. Like I said, it crashed my hope. I think better for me to be alone, ignore some people who have influence in my heart. And, fortunately, it works. Don't think I sprint off when people approached. I have friends. We chatted, laughed. Mostly they started the conversation, actually, and I zoned out. I always think that I bore my friends with my current state. That thing really pulls me with itself, to hide in the darkness, to make friend with it.

So, don't let my post ruin your Christmas. I hope you all have a blessed Christmas and have a great time with your family.

Give me an old fashioned Christmas. Family faces, wild open spaces, covered with snow.

An Expert

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone?

We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

Iris - The Holiday

Goodbye, you one dreadful month

I actually don't have any ideas to start this post with but I still have the urge to make a post in this new month. October was a dreadful month. I was sick and that time I thought I will die soon. I went to doctor for medical check-up. People in Pasar 7 clinic said I'm positive DBD (mind you, idk what it called) and typhus.  Doctor in Elisabeth Hospital said I'm negative those deadly shit. Doctor in Madani Clinic said I got dyspepsia, which is kind of true. I diagnosed myself, I got GERD (amit-amit). After a lot of tears, here I am. I'm back to uni, even my condition isn't that normal as before. I thanked God for His blessing in every step I took.

Mid-term is in the air (try not to breath lol). I supposed to study right now seeing advanced accounting is still waving on the gate for me. I'm still studying for StatPel and look how messy my desktop is.

Well, wish me best luck for the rest of my subjects. I also need a strength because you know, I'm not in that good condition. Still I'm sure God will give me a recovery.