Hi

Wow looking back to these blog posts bring so much melancholic feeling to me. here I am now, at the office, burn out, and I think it'd be a good idea to visit my old blog.

Fellas, I'm not a teenager anymore. I finished my undergraduate. I'm working now and I have a husband!

My 20s was so adventurous and I'm super blessed to feel every aspect of it. I don't know how to express my feelings into words but I'm so grateful.

I hope I can write a little longer, for today, but I think we should catch up first. See you on the next post! 

Waiting

To build your faith in a dungeon cell, during the valley in your life where it’s too dark to see and too hard to believe.
To build your dependence on Him when you are barren and empty to see if He is truly all you desire and all you need.
To see how well you will trust and serve Him when you are still stuck in the background somewhere, doing seemingly nothing too significant for Him.
To build your trust in Him when the storm keeps raging, the battle keeps going and breakthrough and victory doesn’t seem near.
That we grow in faith.
That we learn to only depend on Him.

when God makes you wait

At Night

As I grew wiser, people keep asking me if I always sleep late. They see me online at ungodly hour or catch me yawning at day. So here's the answer (not like they're gonna see it anyway).

Yes, I sleep late. If it possible, I will sleep when the dawn breaks. You might ask if I am an insomniac and I'd tell you that I'm not. You can leave me in an empty room with no tasks to be completed, I will sleep in three minutes. So why do I sleep late?

I always afraid of the night. I'm afraid that when the morning comes, I'll wake in a different place, with different people. I'm afraid that something bad may happened and I can't stop it. I remember sleeping next to my mum, hugging her arm until morning. Because of I'm afraid of night, I can't be weak. I can't be a weak pleb so that if one time the night decides to hit me, I can hit it back and beat it into a pulp. I have to be strong, I have to be in control, and never let my guards down.

Then you might ask if is not it tiring and kind of useless? I tell you, it's tiring that's why you can find me lethargically yawning every day. I don't think that it's useless. In fact, I'm preparing myself to have a merciless match with the night. At this point I start to think that I'm belligerent.

Think I've explained myself. It's nice to be back on blog again. My laptop broke and when I try to logging in by my old laptop, the page won't load. It's really frustrating using phone to write a post. Geez...

PS: forgive me for any grammar mistakes or wrong vocabulary, got no time to proofread.

A Room of One's Own

Suppose, for instance, that men were only represented in literature as the lovers of women, and were never the friends of men, soldiers, thinkers, dreamers; how few parts in the plays of Shakespeare could be allotted to them; how literature would suffer! We might perhaps have most of Othello; and a good deal of Antony; but no Caesar, no Brutus, no Hamlet, no Lear, no Jaques –literature would be incredibly impoverished, as indeed literature is impoverished beyond our counting by the doors that have been shut upon women.

 - Virginia Woolf

Free Fall

It's been too high, my Lord.

I trust You to not let me fall

for the high will crush my bad bones.

Naive

They said welcome to the cruel world

Some said welcome to the new world.

Well, that's funny, my dear friends. You don't have to remind me what the world is like. As I said earlier, you don't have to remind me for I knew it better. Maybe it's a new or a cruel world for you but it's all same for me, personally. Welcome to the world, my naive friends ;)

Southern Delta Aquarids

Finally! I've seen a meteor! This year is rich with meteor shower and fortunately, my dear friends, today was its peak season for southern delta aquarids! I still can't believe I saw one!! And with my favorite girl friends! I was ecstatic!!! I literally jumped and screamed.

At first, I thought it was a plane. Then it became brighter and whiter (?). It was yellow, bright yellow almost white I think, maybe its chemical composition is iron. Okay, I don't care. I'm so happy ;)

The Conversation

It was supposed to be a joke, a jest, a jabber, a blabber.
Yet being a strange person I was,
I didn't find a normal joke particularly amusing.

My mum wondered if I was born with bad luck. She laughed.
I stood up from the chair, tall and proud, and told her that...
life is a matter of perspective and I am fortunate.

The Prize

Merde

I do not know what I want right now. I want something new yet I stay. I want talking with some friends yet crowded tortures me. I want to be left alone yet my thought tires me out. I want to be happy yet I can't even crack a smile. I want to be a nice person but I'm too sad and too angry. I want everything works perfectly fine but, shit, that will not be a life.

Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore

Michaelis

The more emotions are oppressed, the more they tend to flare up.
That is the kind of creature man is, do you not agree?

I have a friend

She's not smart, don't judge me, she admitted it herself, she's not beautiful, she's not popular, she's just a common girl. She's the kind of girl you see in high school who comes to school, has small circle of friends to talk, has an acceptable grades, and has no after school activities. She's just there. I also thought the same. She's too plain and no spark, no ambition, not my kind of friend (I know people will hate me for being an arrogant brat I was). I thought I better distance myself because she might give a bad influence.

How sweet, how naive. I am the bad influence honestly.

As years goes by, I find that I like her company. She's funny, she's humble (OMG she does!), she's innocent, she's lucky, she's loyal, she's friendly, she's brave, she's independent, and she's inhumanly strong.

I really want to thank her for teaching me something that I can't get from whatever classes or lessons I have. She taught me to be kind, to be nice, to love and respect others. She indirectly showed me that God's always good. I don't know why she wants to have a friend like me. I ditched her when we were high school. Geez, I remember that I even made her cry once.

She will be leaving town on August and I can't help but feeling blue. She's always there and the thought of her leaving this town is just crush me. I need these people to make me human, to make me normal but they're leaving me. My brother, her...

Guess, I don't have a clue how to survive this year, humanly.

Midnight Musing (2)

I can't sleep. These past few days, I really tried to sleep at 10 pm sharp but it was pointless and useless. When I was really stressed with my uni's problem, I slept easily! Like a friggin' child. Now, when nothings in my mind, I keep wandering the night. I need to sleep seriously for this habit isn't healthy.

Midnight Musing

Sometimes I think I'm not worth anything but I have too much of God's kindness.
A mercy, an unconditional love, a friendship, and...
Sometimes I think that I have wasted too much of God's kindness.
You may say I am an ungrateful person, I do not object.
I tried to change, to love, to care.
God knows I tried indeed.
And, yes, let there be light to light up my life.

Dear Lord,

Thank You for giving me the strength
and the conviction
to complete the task you entrusted to me.
Thank You for guiding me straight
and true
through the many obstacles in my path
and for keeping me resolute
when all around seemed lost.
Thank You for Your protection
and Your many signs along the way.
Thank You for any good that I may have done,
I'm so sorry about the bad.
Thank You for the friend I made.
Please watch over her as you watched over me.
Thank You for finally allowing me to rest.
I'm so very tired,
but I go now to my rest at peace.
Knowing that I have done right
with my time on this earth.
I fought the good fight,
I finished the race,
I kept the faith.

A Killer

he's wandering, analyzing, and calculating,
He's sleeping
he's living, worshiping, and forgiving,
He's sleeping
he's taking chances of salvation,
He's sleeping
deep... deep...
in Styx,
He's sleeping
I pray so that
He will sleep and slumber
in Tartarus

do not go gentle into that good night,

rage, rage against the dying of the light

Decent

Young lad, you gave me one hell of a joke.
For you told me that I was beautiful.
Nah, I was far away from it.

I have wavy hair.
Oh, not the sexy messy wavy hair.
When I say wavy, I mean
the absolutely not sexy messy wavy hair
which is the thick wavy hair.
I'm afraid there are living creatures in there.
I have dark skin.
No, definitely not golden brown that makes everyone looks smokin' hot.
Just dark and not so smooth.
I'm not tall and I'm a bit underweight.
My eyes, they're small. And I'm mono lid.
My nose, hmm I wish I had more money to do nose job but let's cover it with some contour.
My lips, far away from those beautiful and sexy lips!
My teeth, got a bad gene huh. Not beautiful straight white teeth I guess.
My fingers, oh gosh. They're short. And fat!
My boobs, hmm I did say, I was underweight so... figure it out.

So, darling, if we use universal beauty standards,
I'm not in the list.
I'm not ugly either.
I'm decent. Cheers!

Trapped

A friend told me that love is bitter.
I smiled.
A friend asked me which color is better.
I sipped my tea.
A friend showed me pictures of her lover.
I yawned.

Loves, she is a hospitable person! I do not want to admit it but I simply have no clue how to deal with this kind of person. I have this urge to tell her, to admit, that I do not give a flying darn about her life. But I can't because she is awfully nice.

That leaves me with no other choices, I will pretend as if I care.
Even if it's exhausting,
Even if my pseudo smile is ugly
or my eyes shows emptiness,
I will pretend.

Trauma

For in every scene of life, I see the eyes. The ugly ones.
And when I look at it, I gag so much.
And when one is gagged, thousands of mouth will open
with more eyes to see
and ears will hear the truth.

Blah

He said that he knew my character

Said that I was a headstrong

and arrogant.

Aw, it tickled my heart.

If I had one.

Well, yeah, the last thing I want to do is being inappropriate to certain people. These are for people who used a false judgement on me. Or maybe... it was not false, I just happen to loathed the person who said it. I do not care, still suits for the person anyway.